Journal Entry - July 22, 2015 Part Six of how Morning Pages(my journal) helped me process through a change
When I was a teenager, my mom told me that I needed to take up a hobby; something like knitting, embroidery, or crocheting. She said that if I didn’t, I’d be bored. Well, I’ve made it for 64 years without any of that yarn but I may be nearing a point. I like having a project to work on and just like with a knitted sweater, I like having a way to give it to someone.
Since Sunday, and our return from the river camping trip, I’ve been working on a video using the photos and some live video inserts. It should have been an easy task but it was made complicated by pesky copyright violations and 10 second limits on personal video inserts but I learned a lot and last night I was able to load it to Facebook. As usual, I wish I had taken a moment longer and loaded it to Youtube, it would have looked better. But, I got excited and anxious to share. Oh well, it’s done and now I sit in wonder of what my next project will be. Maybe I should have taken up knitting. 🙂
I sure did like the diversion from sad thoughts of my daughter and grandson leaving. I spent yesterday, then, with my grandson. He played in the dirt in his pajamas because…why not? Then, he ran around the house in just a diaper having the time of his life. He just didn’t want to get dressed. The beauty of it was, there was no need for him to get dressed. Finally, when he realized that we couldn’t go to the construction site without clothes on, he willingly went upstairs. Then, fully clothed, we took off early to meet up with his mama for lunch. It took us an hour to go 15 minutes because we had to stop and watch an excavator dig up a sidewalk. Then, we had to remove all of the rocks from the sand under our favorite swing, and then… swing, of course. Finally, we had to check the progress on the buildings that are going up in the neighborhood. It was a perfect walk, a beautiful day, a great (peaceful) lunch.
I want my daughter and I to go back to that place, that time. Instead, our conversation is focused solely on the baby. What did he do today? Any new words? Was he a good boy? I ask nothing about the job interview. She shares nothing about the status. I can’t help her with her feelings. She can’t help me with mine. We’re just carrying the burden alone…and it makes me want to vomit. Part of me is saying, “Just go already. Just go!” The other part of me is holding on to my grandson so tightly.
Why can’t my son-in-law find the perfect job right here? Why do millions of other people find jobs to be close to their families. Instead, they are moving to be close to a brother he hasn’t seen in three years.
Their new baby…will I know that baby? Will that baby know me?
I think I need to learn how to crochet. Maybe those hobbies were meant to help you cope with grief and pain and loss. Maybe my mom was right. WHAT?!?