Change – Begin Again

Saying “Yes” To Your Life

How many times have you been told “No” and you allowed that simple word to stop you?

Over my many years, I have entered into areas where someone thought I didn’t belong.

Going to college. Getting a divorce. These are two that leap to my consciousness right now. There were many smaller events as well. Little things that told me that I was not worthy of having that thing, going that direction, being with that person. Well intentioned people who tried to block my life from happening. I have done it, as well, to others, I have to admit. Somehow thinking that we know better how someone is supposed to play out their life’s journey keeps us busily away from seriously focusing on our own.

Rules, Protocols, Traditions, Beliefs

There are all these rules, protocols, traditions, beliefs along your journey that you feel obligated to uphold. And so you do… until some defining moment when something stronger intervenes. It’s a pull, a push, a strong sensation that no matter what others think or believe, you are destined to do something different. And while others are shouting “No, No, No”, there is a stronger voice that’s louder; “It’s time. It’s time. It’s time.”

It’s Time!

It’s these times, when you go against all logic, all learned behavior, all past traditions, and you follow destiny. These are the moments when you accept YOU. Not someone else’s vision of you but you, the one unique being that God created you to be. And, later, while looking in that rear view mirror, you are somehow surprised! How did I get here? How was I so fortunate? How did I manage to make this happen?

It was destiny’s push that filled your brain with a positive message. Words that strongly repeated “Yes, I can!”, while others were saying “No.”

“Yes I Can”

Words of confirmation: “I am capable”. “I am smart.” “I am worthy!” Marching orders. Repeat them. Shout them out loud as you put one foot in front of the other and move…forward!

I Have One Life

And it belongs to me. I have been put on this earth to carry out some mission. I am unique just like you are unique. My mission was predetermined before I was born. I believe that I have spent most of my life trying to figure out what that mission actually was supposed to be. It’s taken me a lifetime to realize that I had choices every single step of the way. And it has been those choices that either held me back or opened me up to the life I am supposed to live.

So Begin Today

Today, I will begin. I will say “Yes” to my life as it unfolds. I will not throw up barriers. I will not let fear or judgement close doors that were presented for me to open. It’s never to late to say “Yes” to your life. It’s never too late.

I am capable!

I am smart!

I am worthy!

Call On The Butterfly When It’s Time To Change

It’s Time For A Change

Time to once again find the courage to break free of a self-imposed cocoon. I need you right now, Butterfly. Remind me:

Lighten up. Stop taking everything so seriously. It’s time to make a change. In spite of the challenges, you’ll get through this transition…as always, remember, “this too shall pass”. (Farmer, S.D., 2006)

Ok, ok. I can do this.

Every Single Time, I Freak Out!

I’ve lived long enough to have experienced change before. Many times, actually. Yet, every single time, my brain goes into “freak out” mode. Still, still, I never ever let that fear stop me from making that change! NEVER!

Sometimes, it slowed me down, though, I have to admit. Fear is such a powerful force. And, slowing down is actually not a bad response. So I will say that fear can be a healthy thing, for a time. But, fear should never be used as a REASON to stop you from changing.

So, over my life time, I have learned how to breathe through fear and embrace change.

Praying Through It All

You know, when I was a little kid, I was taught to say specific prayers. Raised Catholic, I endured rosary after rosary and it was called “praying”. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t praying! I was simply barking out memorized lines of a chant. “Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee…” Over and over again, we would repeat these lines because we needed to ask God for forgiveness for our sins.

It wasn’t until I was older that I actually found the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to just talk to God, not say so many Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s. She did not approve! Still, it was then that I truly learned how to pray. But for years, I didn’t pray because I thought praying was all about asking for something, begging for something and I didn’t think it was right to think that I deserved anything better than anyone else. It was years later that I found that I could actually pray to God in thankfulness. And I did, and I do most every night.

But then there are those times where I am going through a change and my brain is freaking out and I find myself begging for a sign that everything will be ok. It was during one of these “freak out” sessions that I learned of Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer. It was at this moment that I felt, for the first time, that I could feel and see guidance from the spirit world. And, for maybe the first time in my life, I felt that I didn’t have to push through a change on my own anymore.

Now, I talk to God but I also talk to family members who have passed before me. I ask them for help freely. And then I pay attention to the signs. Most of the best signs I see in nature with the guidance of the Animal Spirit Guide and a set of cards. Messages From Your Animal Spirit Guide by Steven Farmer is the deck of cards that I use on a regular basis. And when I’m going through a change, I will get messages that may say things that include “go for it” to “slow down” or “step back to see the big picture”.

And Sure Enough, I Get Through It

Yes I do, with the help of my guides, I move through change with strength and conviction but also with thoughtful reflection. Fear does not define me. Fear slows me down. Fear tells me to proceed with caution but I don’t let fear stop me. It’s when I feel fear that I reach out to God and all the spirits of my loved ones and say “I need help with this one. Please, tell me what to do.” And then I listen.

Listen

Pay attention. Messages are all around us. Today, I needed the message of the Butterfly. I am headed into another change.

Slow Down. Wait For Me!

Wait for me you guys!

Why be in such a hurry?

Let’s enjoy today.

Remember when days seemed to go so slow?

When waiting for something seemed like an endless chore? “I can hardly wait until…I turn sixteen so I can drive.. graduate from high school… turn 21 so I can legally drink… graduate from college… get married… have a baby… buy my first house.” And then something happens. All of a sudden, the “I can’t wait until” becomes “I don’t want to turn 30…40…50…60! Slow down! Hold on! Everything is going too fast!”

And then, something inside your head says, “Just breathe.”

You stop for a moment and do just that and it’s like the first time that you actually heard birds singing or saw that tiny flower poking through the ground. It’s the first time that you stood still and actually felt the warmth of the sun and saw the rays beaming through the branches of a tree. And hearing a baby cry sounds more like a miracle instead of a noise.

Slow down

It’s at this point that you realize that each day is a gift and you have a choice. You can rush through the day and fall exhausted into bed each night feeling as though you will never ever get everything done and time is passing you by. Or, you can find it in yourself to slow down and look at everything as a gift. Today is a gift. My home, the people who surround me, my health, the food in my cupboards, and that sunshine are all gifts.

Enjoy the moment

Once you allow yourself this moment, you realize that nothing is more important…not yesterday…not tomorrow. This moment is a gift. Enjoy it.

Happiness Is Homemade

“I just want to be happy”,
she says through the tears.
It’s all I’ve every wanted.
I’ve said so for years.

She cries out to God,
“I just want a reason to smile.
I’ve been begging and begging,
It’s been such a long while.

The answer comes back:
“Happiness is Homemade.
I love you, I’m here.
Stop being afraid.”
“Are you really here for me?
I try so hard not to be afraid.
But tell me what this message means.”
she prayed.

“Homemade means:
Something that you make from scratch,
You make it with your own two hands,
Using all your best ingredients, in the whole batch.”

“Happiness isn’t given to you.
You have to make it instead.
It means you need to
go after those dreams in your head.

You speak of them clearly
Day after day.
FEAR is the Devil
Push him away.”

“Happiness is homemade.
It’s all up to me?”

“Yes, but I’m here with you.
Trust me. You’ll see!”

Never Leaving Home

I left a place that I called “home”
But realized that “home” is not a place at all.
A place is rooms with carpeted floors
A box with windows and paint on the wall.
A “home”, on the other hand,
Is much more than that.
A “home” is pictures, and gifts,
and stories from your past.
A “home” is the collection of treasures
from your children’s younger days.
Those things they wanted kept safe
When they moved away.
A “home” is those stubborn plants
that survive!
They must want to be with me.
They’re still alive!
“Home” is a typewriter,
an old-fashioned pair of shoes,
a harmonica, a magazine rack;
things I could never bear to lose.
“Home is all those things
that I was willing to pack and carry away.
Then, quickly take them out, place them around me.
And then I realize
“Home” never moved away.

Ode To An Autumn Woods

Ode To An Autumn Woods

Oh, autumn woods, I thank you!
So many lessons learned beneath your trees,
You’ve taught me what to do.
You’ve guided with your gentle breeze.
But it’s time.
Your tree’s brilliant colors captivate!
Reds mixed with yellow and hues of green and brown.
You told each leaf that it’s time to celebrate.
Listen! The leaves are applauding all around.
It’s time.
Change is happening. I can see it in the sky.
Summer’s warmth, while so sublime
Now chillingly says “It’s time to fly.”
Time to let go. It’s time…
It’s time.
Then the winds grow still all around
A quiet respect fills the air.
Geese take to the sky with a mournful sound.
“Good-bye”, they seem to share.
It’s time.
Colors explode with each new day.
Trees still filled with brilliant splendor all around.
Then suddenly the leaves exclaim, “I can no longer stay.”
And they drift, unceremoniously, to the ground.
It’s time.
The leaves are now a burden to the tree
But they did their job and they loved it so.
Drifting, floating, suddenly free
They understand. They need to let go.
It’s time.
The sun peaks out from behind a cloud
Shining, now easily, through branches of the tree.
“Don’t be sad”, it seems to say out loud.
“I’ll put sparkle elsewhere, you’ll see.”
It’s time.
Animals are busy, scurrying about
Gathering food to tuck away.
It’s like they’re telling me, “There’s little doubt
We must prepare for another day.”
It’s time.
Plants, dropping seeds everywhere, you’ll find.
They tell us this is how they survive.
They say, “Leave a little bit of yourself behind.
Then you, too, will stay alive.
It’s time.
Oh autumn woods, it’s so hard to say good-bye.
“Don’t worry, my child, you’ll be fine, you know.
It’s time, now, for you to learn how to fly.
You can do it. You just have to let go.
It’s time, you know. It’s time.

Today’s Challenge To Myself

To have a beautiful life,
find the beauty in everything.
Sarah Marie Thompson

Ok, I need to play this out. This is the month from hell. Rethinking it as beauty, is today’s challenge to myself.

My daughter, her husband, and my grandson are leaving.

Sadness	Beauty
I will no longer take care of my grandson 3 days a week.	What a gift it has been to have been allowed to care for him for nearly 2 years.
I will miss the time I have spent with this daughter. She was so insistent that I get involved with her passion. So, I spent time volunteering to stuff envelopes, run errands, and help out at events.	I was able to be part of the magic that is First Stage, a children’s theater academy. I was able to help my daughter but I ended up feeling like part of a greater family.
I worry for my daughter. She has left friends, family, and a job she loved to make this move.	I am proud of my daughter. She loves her husband so much. She is, selflessly, turning the spotlight on him right now. That’s true love.
And the hardest part of all is that they will all be so far away.	Thankfully, there are such things as Face Time now. Video chats can happen every day, if we choose.

I am moving too!

Sadness	Beauty
I somehow found myself renting a place that actually faces a nature preserve. This beautiful space has been my meditation space for 3 years.	I am moving closer to another daughter. We can easily walk to each other’s place whenever we want to.
When I first moved here, the animals that came out of the woods, scared me a bit. Raccoons would peer right into my patio door at night. Now, we have become comfortable with each other. I will miss their visits.	I, now, have such a beautiful appreciation for the gentle nature of animals. They have taught me so much about resilience, risk taking, and simply being gentle with myself. Their messages will live with me forever.
The paths into the woods were just steps away from my back door. Walking these paths has become a time of true meditation.	I have found something that brings me peace when I am troubled. I know, now, that it’s worth a small drive to spend time in such a sanctuary.
Why would I leave such a beautiful place? Rent! My income will not increase but the rent goes up each year. That fact makes it too difficult to stay.	My rent will go down substantially with this move allowing me the extra cash I will need, now, for airline tickets to visit my other daughter and grandson.

You know, I think this worked. Maybe just for the moment but this was a great way to refocus my brain.

This Place

Journal Entry - July 30, 2015
Post # 10 of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

Went for a walk in the woods yesterday and took a couple pictures of a hawk. It waited for me to take each photo so of course I had to look up it’s message

“You’re caught up in too many details, so step back so you can get a greater perspective on the situation.
Stay alert and focused on the task before you, eliminating as many distractions as possible.
Spend some time observing and studying the situation and when it’s time for action make it quick and decisive.
Be aware of any personal psychic attacks and be prepared to defend yourself.
Stop trying to change others or the situation and work instead on accepting things as they are.”

Well, doesn’t that message just about say it all, especially the last one. I must accept things that happen. I must not try to change them. It’s not my place to step in front of someone’s life journey. I know that. I do. It just really hard, though, when their decision affects your life. I will try to stay calm and observant.

I love my place right now but I am working to find another. It’s time to reduce the rent and maybe live closer to one daughter. There’s something telling me “it’s time.” Time to not be living alone or at least quite so alone. I look outside, here, and my heart breaks a little just thinking about leaving and I think of all those other times I have moved. I wrap myself up in protective layers and just start packing – one closet at a time. Sorting, discarding, choosing. I take down my “home” – make it uncomfortable to stay in any longer; feeling so uncomfortable to stay that I can hardly wait to escape this place that no longer feels like “home”. Then, I quickly get to the next place so that I can make it feel good enough to spend that first night.

Ok, I’m not leaving yet, but it’s coming. I know it. So, for today, I breathe in the air, take photos of the flowers and the animals. enjoy the quiet meditative peace that has been my backyard and send up praise to the powers that be that I was given this gift just when I needed it most.

This place has provided me with companionship even though I lived alone.

This place guided me through a hard divorce and the sickness and death of my brother.

This place gave me the strength to walk into a gym and hire a trainer; a trainer who was the brightest star I could have had cheering me on as I worked to put physical strength above wasteful, harmful pastimes.

This place gave me a place to come to when I felt the pain of leaving a lifelong career.

This place allowed me to find another job; one the filled that initial void and made me feel necessary, still.

And, it was this place where I celebrated the announcement of my first grand baby.

It was this place, where I’ve been alone, but not alone. I’ve been surrounded by some kind of wonderful energy that has continuously shown me love, guidance, peace, and power!

This place – Thank you, God for showing me the way to this place.

I Write, I Write. Everyday, I Write

Journal Entry - July 26, 2015
Part Nine of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

I write. I write. Every day, I write. Yesterday was everything many dream of. A quiet, peaceful day with nothing to do. And I did nothing. Oh well, that’s not exactly true. I cleaned my little home, then went for a walk in the woods. Someone had told me that mosquitos don’t like the smell of vanilla. I had to try that out. Come to find out, it’s true! It’s a little messy, spreading vanilla extract all over yourself and I walked through the woods smelling like a cookie but it really does repel mosquitos!

Then, back here to just sit and decide what next. I watched a lot of TV and then got sad thinking about my grandson. If they move away, this will be my life everyday. This quiet, peaceful existence…everyday…BORING!!!

I didn’t want to dwell on it. I’m trying to let God handle it. I went to bed early and slept until 5:30 am. It felt great. And now, laying ahead of me, is today. It’s Sunday. Nothing to do. House is clean. Plants watered. Weather beautiful. I’ll walk the woods this morning and maybe again this afternoon. I can’t spend money right now. I need to save for other things.

It’s a strange time, right now, in my head. I’m empty of light. I read through other’s posts and I don’t care. I try to think of something to write and I come up dry. Empty. I wanted to be that person who could help guide others to the light. Right now, I think “Find your own way!” I’m in protective mode. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. I’m working out how I’m going to respond on that day when I hear the words. I’m trying to be ready in case God’s plan is to move them away. Slow, deep breathes…Slow deep breathes.

When I walk the summer woods, it’s hot and humid and still.

Animals move slowly. Birds sing a little less during the day. I breathe in the oxygen of the leaves and I walk, trying to think of nothing.

Then, in pops thoughts of a brother who died homeless, and an ex-husband who took his own life, and I feel guilt. I should have done more, tried harder, been better.

I’m alone, right now, maybe because I deserve to be!

I need to STOP taking the blame…or the credit for every other person’s journey. I am not that special! Remember? My brother and my ex-husband did as they did of their own accord. To think that I caused it is being pompous. Each of us has our own power to play out our life the way we want. I, right now, have the power to get on with mine! Find other interests, meet other people.

But, right now, I don’t want to. Right now I am choosing to be alone. I am choosing this! It is not a punishment. As I chose, yesterday, to sit and watch TV, I will choose today to maybe do the same.

We’ll see.

Who Would You Call A “Trusted” Friend?

Journal Entry - July 23, 2015
Part Seven of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

What are the characteristics of a “trusted” friend?

Someone who doesn’t judge
Who drops everything to be there when you need them
Who feels comfortable sharing with you
Who gives advice, gently, but doesn’t criticize if you don’t follow it
Someone who can make you laugh through the tears

So, why am I writing this?

I’ve, once again, pulled out the Animal Spirit Guide Message Cards by Steven D. Farmer.

To use these cards, you simply have to shuffle them until you feel ready, then pull one card that seems to call out to you for some reason. All the while, you are thinking “Which animal spirit guide could help me right now?”

My card suggested this activity along with thinking about one or more people I would consider to be a “trusted” friend. So, I make this list and think “Who fits this description?” The answer is my oldest daughter; no one else. My sister comes close but, oh, she has so many problems of her own. And, then, I think “Why don’t I have more friends?”

In high school, I hung with a small group of girls, part of a pack. Not sure…no, I’m sure, none of them were real friends based on the list above.

Then, college – roommates…friends? Well, we got along, if that counts. I was in one’s wedding, another was in mine. But the waters parted when I got a divorce.

On to work friends – We shared so much and I thought some were the best friends of my life until I left teaching and became an administrator. Oh no! I drank the kool-aid!

Now, friends – Two people I see once a month for lunch. another who swears she’ll reschedule a time to meet after she had to abruptly cancel one…three months ago, and some people at the gym who are friends…at the gym. There’s a neighbor who watches my cat when I’m gone. Does that count?

Look at this list? I don’t really have any friends! There is no one, right now, who I can talk to about my life except my daughter. And, she is trying to cope with this change as well along with trying to stay excited about her upcoming wedding and attempting to piece together jobs that might add up to enough money to pay the bills.

In other words, everyone has issues, pain that they are dealing with. Life is not easy for anyone. So, going to someone and dumping your problems out to them seems like adding burden to their already weighted shoulders.

It reminds me of a time when I asked my brother if maybe he could show me how to hang wallpaper. It was the first time I had ever reached out to him or anyone, really, to ask for help. His answer – “No, I’m already helping too many people.”

It seems like, pretty much all of my life I’ve been able to count on one person. That person is me. I will figure this all out. So thanks, Spirit Guide Message Card, but today, I’ll pass on your guidance…unless you can help me find a real “friend”.