Life Reflections – Page 2

I Write, I Write. Everyday, I Write

Journal Entry - July 26, 2015
Part Nine of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

I write. I write. Every day, I write. Yesterday was everything many dream of. A quiet, peaceful day with nothing to do. And I did nothing. Oh well, that’s not exactly true. I cleaned my little home, then went for a walk in the woods. Someone had told me that mosquitos don’t like the smell of vanilla. I had to try that out. Come to find out, it’s true! It’s a little messy, spreading vanilla extract all over yourself and I walked through the woods smelling like a cookie but it really does repel mosquitos!

Then, back here to just sit and decide what next. I watched a lot of TV and then got sad thinking about my grandson. If they move away, this will be my life everyday. This quiet, peaceful existence…everyday…BORING!!!

I didn’t want to dwell on it. I’m trying to let God handle it. I went to bed early and slept until 5:30 am. It felt great. And now, laying ahead of me, is today. It’s Sunday. Nothing to do. House is clean. Plants watered. Weather beautiful. I’ll walk the woods this morning and maybe again this afternoon. I can’t spend money right now. I need to save for other things.

It’s a strange time, right now, in my head. I’m empty of light. I read through other’s posts and I don’t care. I try to think of something to write and I come up dry. Empty. I wanted to be that person who could help guide others to the light. Right now, I think “Find your own way!” I’m in protective mode. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. I’m working out how I’m going to respond on that day when I hear the words. I’m trying to be ready in case God’s plan is to move them away. Slow, deep breathes…Slow deep breathes.

When I walk the summer woods, it’s hot and humid and still.

Animals move slowly. Birds sing a little less during the day. I breathe in the oxygen of the leaves and I walk, trying to think of nothing.

Then, in pops thoughts of a brother who died homeless, and an ex-husband who took his own life, and I feel guilt. I should have done more, tried harder, been better.

I’m alone, right now, maybe because I deserve to be!

I need to STOP taking the blame…or the credit for every other person’s journey. I am not that special! Remember? My brother and my ex-husband did as they did of their own accord. To think that I caused it is being pompous. Each of us has our own power to play out our life the way we want. I, right now, have the power to get on with mine! Find other interests, meet other people.

But, right now, I don’t want to. Right now I am choosing to be alone. I am choosing this! It is not a punishment. As I chose, yesterday, to sit and watch TV, I will choose today to maybe do the same.

We’ll see.

Who Would You Call A “Trusted” Friend?

Journal Entry - July 23, 2015
Part Seven of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

What are the characteristics of a “trusted” friend?

Someone who doesn’t judge
Who drops everything to be there when you need them
Who feels comfortable sharing with you
Who gives advice, gently, but doesn’t criticize if you don’t follow it
Someone who can make you laugh through the tears

So, why am I writing this?

I’ve, once again, pulled out the Animal Spirit Guide Message Cards by Steven D. Farmer.

To use these cards, you simply have to shuffle them until you feel ready, then pull one card that seems to call out to you for some reason. All the while, you are thinking “Which animal spirit guide could help me right now?”

My card suggested this activity along with thinking about one or more people I would consider to be a “trusted” friend. So, I make this list and think “Who fits this description?” The answer is my oldest daughter; no one else. My sister comes close but, oh, she has so many problems of her own. And, then, I think “Why don’t I have more friends?”

In high school, I hung with a small group of girls, part of a pack. Not sure…no, I’m sure, none of them were real friends based on the list above.

Then, college – roommates…friends? Well, we got along, if that counts. I was in one’s wedding, another was in mine. But the waters parted when I got a divorce.

On to work friends – We shared so much and I thought some were the best friends of my life until I left teaching and became an administrator. Oh no! I drank the kool-aid!

Now, friends – Two people I see once a month for lunch. another who swears she’ll reschedule a time to meet after she had to abruptly cancel one…three months ago, and some people at the gym who are friends…at the gym. There’s a neighbor who watches my cat when I’m gone. Does that count?

Look at this list? I don’t really have any friends! There is no one, right now, who I can talk to about my life except my daughter. And, she is trying to cope with this change as well along with trying to stay excited about her upcoming wedding and attempting to piece together jobs that might add up to enough money to pay the bills.

In other words, everyone has issues, pain that they are dealing with. Life is not easy for anyone. So, going to someone and dumping your problems out to them seems like adding burden to their already weighted shoulders.

It reminds me of a time when I asked my brother if maybe he could show me how to hang wallpaper. It was the first time I had ever reached out to him or anyone, really, to ask for help. His answer – “No, I’m already helping too many people.”

It seems like, pretty much all of my life I’ve been able to count on one person. That person is me. I will figure this all out. So thanks, Spirit Guide Message Card, but today, I’ll pass on your guidance…unless you can help me find a real “friend”.

I Want To Ask, But I Don’t Want To Know

Journal Entry July 21, 2015  

Part four of how Morning Pages(my journal)helped 
me process through a change.

I want to ask but I don’t want to know or rather, I’m afraid to know the answer. Are they or are they not moving away? I don’t know. To me no news is good news?!? I feel like I’ve been through this before. Gut aches and tears, right there waiting for those words.

Instead, the text yesterday was “Our 12 week appointment went great. All is well. Heartbeat 155. J still think’s it’s a girl. I think it’s a boy.” And I’m happy for them and I want to distance myself from falling in love again.

My day with my grandson was wonderful, as usual. He grew over the weekend. Now he walks to the refrigerator and says “Milk”. We spent the day doing little things; going to the construction site, watching a excavator dig a big hole, then swinging at the swing park.

He sat in the swing so long that I thought he was ready to sleep. So, I encouraged him to stop (“10 more pushes and then we’re going to stop.”) so we could actually get home for his nap. The ride home woke him up enough that we had time for some lunch and the read several books before his nap.

While he napped, I worked on a video of this past weekend. I had uploaded a song hoping it would be allowed. The words were perfect.

Let The River Run

by Bob Seger

I’ve seen the top, I’ve seen the view

Lately, I find, not much is new.

And there’s always a hill out there beyond

Where I could be, where I belong.

Some always take, some have to win.

They leave you with scars, again and again

As they reach for the sky, only to fall,

They never change. I’ve seen them all.

Let the rivers run, like they always do

It’s not up to me. It’s not up to you.

When we reach the end, when our time is done

Let us all be still while the river runs.

Let the rivers run from the great divide.

I’ll stay with you . I’ll be by your side.

When we reach the end, when the words are done,

Let us listen well, while the rivers run.

It’s a beautiful , truthfully peaceful song and I couldn’t use it in the video. Copyright infringement. So it’s written here as the message that came to me as I was trying to enjoy the beauty of the weekend that was so hard.

When my daughter and her family move, I will go sit by that river. I will listen, well, to the messages that flow off the surface of the water.

But for today, I will go back and enjoy that little boy who is growing right before my eyes, and I will “let the river run, as they always do. It’s not up to me. It’s not up to you.

Searching For Guidance

Journal Entry - July 16, 2015. 
Part Two of how Morning Pages(my journal)helped me process through a change.

Searching for a way…to reconcile my feelings with what will, inevitably, happen. I walked my woods looking for a sign.

There was the robin, never leaving my path.

“Let go of the drama and allow as much joy and laughter into your life as you can.” (S. Farmer, 2006)

Dragonflies have been plentiful, as well, and I have been ignoring this part of the message because I felt safe.

“Be on the lookout for any falsehoods, deceit, or illusions that are clouding a current situation or relationship.”

In the pond, turtles are poking their heads up between crowded lily pads.

“At this time, pay particular attention to the shifting sensations in your body, as these are, energetically, resonating with subtle changes in the vibrations of the earth. Get out on the land and walk around at about half your usual pace, using it as a meditation.”

Then, the geese.

“This is a time of good fortune.”

Ah, it doesn’t feel like that, actually.

“Call on your ancestors for guidance and protection and once you do you’ll notice a significant increase in your spiritual awareness. Even though it may not always appear to be so, you are very well protected.”

Then, I came upon a deer, too suddenly, and scared it a bit.

“You’ve been involved in some aggressive, negative circumstances and need to seek out safe, nurturing situations and people.”

And, that’s what I did last night. My head hurts from a bit too much wine, but it felt good to listen to the prospective of another (outside eyes). She gave good sound advice even through my tears, of which there were many yesterday.

Ok, so here it is again…my daughter and her family are working on a move to North Carolina. Her husband is committed to finding work there and has indeed interviewed, now twice, with a company. My daughter is pregnant with my second grand baby. It doesn’t matter. My other daughter and I have tried so hard to help with their son, giving them opportunities for nights out, even whole weekends for small vacations, not to mention providing weekly childcare so he has never had to deal with the rush of a morning schedule, or leave his home.

I think, my daughter wants to go 100%. My other daughter thinks that she has to want this for her husband. She doesn’t have a choice.

Still, yesterday, I nearly lost it when I realized that this daughter sought out guidance, from a trusted shaman, on how to deal with ME! I had picked up vibes that something was going on, so I asked her if her husband was interviewing for another job. When she said “yes”, my only response was, “Where, this time.” I stayed quiet. No tears. Still she contacted her shaman. As I reflected on that, further, I did, indeed, feel as though I had become a burden; the one obstacle in the way for their true life. Here, I had been thinking that I was working hard to be a great help. I called my other daughter, sobbing. She helped right my sinking boat for the time being. Yet, still today, I feel old and in the way.

But then this daughter calls and says,

“Could you come early today. I have a meeting at 8:30.”

And, of course, I will be there.

My grandson doesn’t know the ache I feel, right now, anticipating lost moments.

Did I Choose That Path or Did That Path Choose Me?

Originally posted in 2015 – Time to revisit this message

My life has been the ultimate journey. I’ve heard it said that your life is a series of choices.

But really:

Do you actually get to plan your trip?

Do you really get to lead your life your way or …

Do you simply follow paths that are laid out for you?

I Was Not A Planner

I remember realizing, during my junior year of high school, that my friends had plans to go to college. What? I hadn’t even given it a thought! Good god! I visited the guidance counselor for the first time, about then, saying something like “HELP! Should I be going to college?”

Two years later, I was in college and started out in the Business School. Why? Because, I don’t know. It sounded like a good idea, and I had to start somewhere. It didn’t take long to realize that I actually hated business classes and there I was, sitting on the floor of my shared apartment, combing through a course catalog trying to find something that sounded interesting. Did I plan on the field of education or was I guided there? I don’t know. Did I choose to leave the field of business or were my lack-luster grades telling me to GET OUT while I still have a grade point average of some kind?

Subtle little messages along life’s pathway are not planned. They’re just there. When I got married, did I plan to get a divorce? Not at all. Yet there it was. And when I retired from thirty plus years in education, did I plan to walk away from a beautiful new house to move to a little apartment? Ummm. NO!

Planning Without A Plan

I’ve never gone on a vacation without some forethought. I choose the destination and pack accordingly. I also take enough money to allow me options once I arrive. However, I never enjoyed vacations where too many things were preplanned. And, it’s been that way with my life as well.

Of course, there is fore thought that goes into choosing a career, getting married, or having children, but beyond that initial “plan” there are no guarantees. And so, I have learned to plan without a plan. I plan for things to change. I plan for surprises. I plan to sometimes be disappointed and sometimes be pleasantly surprised.

Feeling Blessed To Be Alive

I come from a family burdened with heart disease and cancer. My father died when I was in 7th grade, my mother when I was a brand new mom. Since then, two brothers have passed away and one more brother had a severe heart attack and has had triple bypass surgery. Add to all of that, my girl’s father gave up on life, choosing suicide, instead.

I need to simply be thankful for each day. I know that I can not choose every path my life takes but I can choose what I do…today! I choose to be happy. I choose to accept life as it is. I choose to reflect light.

I Choose To Breathe In Positive Thoughts

I produced this video during a time when I could have been depressed. Instead, by some miracle, I found myself living on the edge of this beauty. Some people, who live in this same apartment complex, have never stepped into this woods. They say “It’s too hot! There are so many mosquitos!”

I, on the other hand, chose to follow the paths and listen to the messages that were there to guide my way. If I hadn’t done that, I would never have seen the beauty that lived right outside my back door.

Today…Tomorrow…Yesterday

Today…Tomorrow…Yesterday! What do I want to write about this morning? It’s interesting, when sadness or joy are not playing with me, there is a quiet in my brain; a dull almost lazy haze. Why does it take extremes to feel the energy of life? Why can’t this middle place be the most productive, the most inspiring time ever? I don’t need life to be thrilling or desperately sad, do I? I don’t want to always be out there at the end of the rope. But, now, here I sit, today, wondering “What is important enough to write about?”

I mean really, how many times can I describe how beautiful and smart my grandson is? How many times can I give an accounting of our time together (this week, we went to a sculpture garden and he hated it). How many times can I update this journal on my daughter’s wedding plans? (This week was the dress fitting and today we are polishing brass candle sticks). How many times can I write about my walks in the woods, the joy I feel from running into a deer along the way, the peaceful sense I get from simply walking and listening to the birds?

And why is it that this state, of neither too high nor too low, doesn’t last? It’s a prelude to something to come and I usually spend this time worrying that it’s going to be bad. So, this state of “calm” makes me restless! How can I enjoy it when what I do instead is spend the time with worry or guilt about something that might or already did happen.

What I need to do is find as much pleasure in this state as in that state of extreme. Love this place in my life for what it is. Empty is the wrong word. This place, in my life, is…free! That’s the word…FREE!

I am free of plans, worry, obligations, feelings of sadness, or despair, feelings of extreme elation, giddy silliness. I am simply FREE to ponder life. And so that is exactly how I intend to spend this moment. I am not going to spend it projecting worry on the future or feeling guilt about my past. I am going to spend it reflecting on the lessons of life and the beauty of my surroundings. I’m going to walk with appreciation for my family, my girls and their men, my grandson and soon to be new grandchild, for my sisters and my brother, for my people whom I believe to be friends. I will appreciate my life of good health, right now, and my ability to get out and enjoy it.

I am FREE to use this time to be productive. I don’t need to write a book or produce a piece of art. I can be productive by making healthy food choices and helping my daughter wash the bottles for her wedding, pay some bills and respond to emails. OR, I can use this time to read, to watch a movie, to walk and take pictures in the woods, to simply breathe in the warm summer air. It doesn’t matter, does it?

This space, in my life, is a gift.

And I will be present enough to simply say “Thank you”.

Every New Beginning Starts By Saying “Good-bye”

Every new beginning starts
By walking away.
It’s finding the inner strength
To let go of yesterday.

Memories want you to linger;
Thoughts of what you leave behind.
Anticipation moves you forward;
Wondering what tomorrow has in mind.

Surround yourself with flowers now.
Something about them calms the fear.
Find a place to just be still.
Let God be ever near.

This new beginning
Is part of the path that’s meant to be.
It leads to future memories;
New joy and happiness. You’ll see.

Every new beginning
Somehow makes you cry
Because every new beginning
Starts by saying “Good-bye”.

For Me

I walk the woods
in silence,
letting my thoughts
lead the way.

Today,
my eyes are drawn
to someone’s
abandoned bouquet.

They’re delicate
in shades of
purple
and white.

I think
they’re simply
beautiful
as they rest there
in the evening light.

Who were they
meant for?
And why were they
just left in this tree?

I let the answer be
simple.
They must have been
for me!

Time To Bloom!

Here I am, waiting for my chance to bloom.
Today, I want the sun to shine on me.
I will be great, if you give me some room;
I want to be the best you’ll ever see!

My child, all my creations are like flowers.
Blooming is just a natural thing to you.
It’s time to be yourself. You have the power.
Trusting in Me is all you have to do.

But I’ve wanted to live out many dreams,
Thinking others were so much better than me;
Prettier, stronger, is how it always seems.
It’s them, I think, I wish that I could be.