When waiting for something seemed like an endless chore? “I can hardly wait until…I turn sixteen so I can drive.. graduate from high school… turn 21 so I can legally drink… graduate from college… get married… have a baby… buy my first house.” And then something happens. All of a sudden, the “I can’t wait until” becomes “I don’t want to turn 30…40…50…60! Slow down! Hold on! Everything is going too fast!”
And then, something inside your head says, “Just breathe.”
You stop for a moment and do just that and it’s like the first time that you actually heard birds singing or saw that tiny flower poking through the ground. It’s the first time that you stood still and actually felt the warmth of the sun and saw the rays beaming through the branches of a tree. And hearing a baby cry sounds more like a miracle instead of a noise.
It’s at this point that you realize that each day is a gift and you have a choice. You can rush through the day and fall exhausted into bed each night feeling as though you will never ever get everything done and time is passing you by. Or, you can find it in yourself to slow down and look at everything as a gift. Today is a gift. My home, the people who surround me, my health, the food in my cupboards, and that sunshine are all gifts.
Enjoy the moment
Once you allow yourself this moment, you realize that nothing is more important…not yesterday…not tomorrow. This moment is a gift. Enjoy it.
Journal Entry July 20, 2015
Part Four of how Morning Pages(my journal)
helped me process through a change.
Been gone from here for three days. Went to Dancing On The River’s Edge, our little tradition that started when my brother died. Today, I return to dealing with thoughts of my daughter moving away but for three days, I had the beauty of the Wisconsin River, love of friends and family, a little good music, and mosquitos to take my mind off of it all.
I asked you to help me breathe. You did just that.
…Then, I was home; sitting, relaxing. I get a text from my daughter with a request to watch my grandson a couple extra times in the month of August. My heart says “Absolutely”. My mind says, “Let her figure it out without me.” And so the horror of them leaving replaces the beauty of the river, the peaceful flow, the incredible sunsets and sunrises, the sounds of the cicadas and frogs, and the music.
For a moment, I was breathing again. In amongst the stress and commotion of the camping trip, you helped me see that life exists all around me and it’s stunning and beautiful. I just have to open my eyes and look.
I walk the woods nearly every day. The deer know me. We look each other in the eye and I say, “It’s ok. I am a good person.” And then they stand and wait while I take their picture. They are not afraid.
I walk carefully through their home, trying to be respectful of their surroundings. They, in turn, welcome me with that soft, gentle look.
In the books regarding the language of animals, it is said that the deer carry the message that we should be gentle with ourselves. I feel that sense when I look into their eyes. And as I walk on, I feel the message resonate through me. There is no reason for me to be hard on myself. I am just a humble being, here to carry out my life’s mission.
What Is My Mission?
Over time, I have wondered what exactly my mission was. Sometimes, I felt as though I was lost at sea, helping others survive. Is that my mission? If so, then I often felt inadequate. With each failed attempt to be the person someone wanted me to be, I feel a sense of guilt, frustration, and anger. I just want to do my life.
But, What Is My life?
And then, here I am greeted by the deer with this message to just be gentle with myself.
I take a deep breath and say, “Ok, ok. I hear you.” I will take it one step at a time. I don’t need to know the answers to everything right now. I can simply believe that things will happen as they are supposed to happen. I will believe that I am already living the life I was sent here to live.
For right now, I need to embrace this life and allow me to be.