coping – Begin Again

Maybe I Should Take Up Knitting

Journal Entry - July 22, 2015
Part Six of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change

When I was a teenager, my mom told me that I needed to take up a hobby; something like knitting, embroidery, or crocheting. She said that if I didn’t, I’d be bored. Well, I’ve made it for 64 years without any of that yarn but I may be nearing a point. I like having a project to work on and just like with a knitted sweater, I like having a way to give it to someone.

Since Sunday, and our return from the river camping trip, I’ve been working on a video using the photos and some live video inserts. It should have been an easy task but it was made complicated by pesky copyright violations and 10 second limits on personal video inserts but I learned a lot and last night I was able to load it to Facebook. As usual, I wish I had taken a moment longer and loaded it to Youtube, it would have looked better. But, I got excited and anxious to share. Oh well, it’s done and now I sit in wonder of what my next project will be. Maybe I should have taken up knitting. 🙂

I sure did like the diversion from sad thoughts of my daughter and grandson leaving. I spent yesterday, then, with my grandson. He played in the dirt in his pajamas because…why not? Then, he ran around the house in just a diaper having the time of his life. He just didn’t want to get dressed. The beauty of it was, there was no need for him to get dressed. Finally, when he realized that we couldn’t go to the construction site without clothes on, he willingly went upstairs. Then, fully clothed, we took off early to meet up with his mama for lunch. It took us an hour to go 15 minutes because we had to stop and watch an excavator dig up a sidewalk. Then, we had to remove all of the rocks from the sand under our favorite swing, and then… swing, of course. Finally, we had to check the progress on the buildings that are going up in the neighborhood. It was a perfect walk, a beautiful day, a great (peaceful) lunch.

I want my daughter and I to go back to that place, that time. Instead, our conversation is focused solely on the baby. What did he do today? Any new words? Was he a good boy? I ask nothing about the job interview. She shares nothing about the status. I can’t help her with her feelings. She can’t help me with mine. We’re just carrying the burden alone…and it makes me want to vomit. Part of me is saying, “Just go already. Just go!” The other part of me is holding on to my grandson so tightly.

Why can’t my son-in-law find the perfect job right here? Why do millions of other people find jobs to be close to their families. Instead, they are moving to be close to a brother he hasn’t seen in three years.

Their new baby…will I know that baby? Will that baby know me?

I think I need to learn how to crochet. Maybe those hobbies were meant to help you cope with grief and pain and loss. Maybe my mom was right. WHAT?!?

Last Thing I Wrote Was “Help Me Breathe” And You Did Just That

Journal Entry July 20, 2015  
Part Four of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

Been gone from here for three days. Went to Dancing On The River’s Edge, our little tradition that started when my brother died. Today, I return to dealing with thoughts of my daughter moving away but for three days, I had the beauty of the Wisconsin River, love of friends and family, a little good music, and mosquitos to take my mind off of it all.

I asked you to help me breathe. You did just that.

…Then, I was home; sitting, relaxing. I get a text from my daughter with a request to watch my grandson a couple extra times in the month of August. My heart says “Absolutely”. My mind says, “Let her figure it out without me.” And so the horror of them leaving replaces the beauty of the river, the peaceful flow, the incredible sunsets and sunrises, the sounds of the cicadas and frogs, and the music.

For a moment, I was breathing again. In amongst the stress and commotion of the camping trip, you helped me see that life exists all around me and it’s stunning and beautiful. I just have to open my eyes and look.

Thanks for the reminder.

Searching For Guidance

Journal Entry - July 16, 2015. 
Part Two of how Morning Pages(my journal)helped me process through a change.

Searching for a way…to reconcile my feelings with what will, inevitably, happen. I walked my woods looking for a sign.

There was the robin, never leaving my path.

“Let go of the drama and allow as much joy and laughter into your life as you can.” (S. Farmer, 2006)

Dragonflies have been plentiful, as well, and I have been ignoring this part of the message because I felt safe.

“Be on the lookout for any falsehoods, deceit, or illusions that are clouding a current situation or relationship.”

In the pond, turtles are poking their heads up between crowded lily pads.

“At this time, pay particular attention to the shifting sensations in your body, as these are, energetically, resonating with subtle changes in the vibrations of the earth. Get out on the land and walk around at about half your usual pace, using it as a meditation.”

Then, the geese.

“This is a time of good fortune.”

Ah, it doesn’t feel like that, actually.

“Call on your ancestors for guidance and protection and once you do you’ll notice a significant increase in your spiritual awareness. Even though it may not always appear to be so, you are very well protected.”

Then, I came upon a deer, too suddenly, and scared it a bit.

“You’ve been involved in some aggressive, negative circumstances and need to seek out safe, nurturing situations and people.”

And, that’s what I did last night. My head hurts from a bit too much wine, but it felt good to listen to the prospective of another (outside eyes). She gave good sound advice even through my tears, of which there were many yesterday.

Ok, so here it is again…my daughter and her family are working on a move to North Carolina. Her husband is committed to finding work there and has indeed interviewed, now twice, with a company. My daughter is pregnant with my second grand baby. It doesn’t matter. My other daughter and I have tried so hard to help with their son, giving them opportunities for nights out, even whole weekends for small vacations, not to mention providing weekly childcare so he has never had to deal with the rush of a morning schedule, or leave his home.

I think, my daughter wants to go 100%. My other daughter thinks that she has to want this for her husband. She doesn’t have a choice.

Still, yesterday, I nearly lost it when I realized that this daughter sought out guidance, from a trusted shaman, on how to deal with ME! I had picked up vibes that something was going on, so I asked her if her husband was interviewing for another job. When she said “yes”, my only response was, “Where, this time.” I stayed quiet. No tears. Still she contacted her shaman. As I reflected on that, further, I did, indeed, feel as though I had become a burden; the one obstacle in the way for their true life. Here, I had been thinking that I was working hard to be a great help. I called my other daughter, sobbing. She helped right my sinking boat for the time being. Yet, still today, I feel old and in the way.

But then this daughter calls and says,

“Could you come early today. I have a meeting at 8:30.”

And, of course, I will be there.

My grandson doesn’t know the ache I feel, right now, anticipating lost moments.