Journal Entry - July 26, 2015 Part Nine of how Morning Pages(my journal) helped me process through a change.
I write. I write. Every day, I write. Yesterday was everything many dream of. A quiet, peaceful day with nothing to do. And I did nothing. Oh well, that’s not exactly true. I cleaned my little home, then went for a walk in the woods. Someone had told me that mosquitos don’t like the smell of vanilla. I had to try that out. Come to find out, it’s true! It’s a little messy, spreading vanilla extract all over yourself and I walked through the woods smelling like a cookie but it really does repel mosquitos!
Then, back here to just sit and decide what next. I watched a lot of TV and then got sad thinking about my grandson. If they move away, this will be my life everyday. This quiet, peaceful existence…everyday…BORING!!!
I didn’t want to dwell on it. I’m trying to let God handle it. I went to bed early and slept until 5:30 am. It felt great. And now, laying ahead of me, is today. It’s Sunday. Nothing to do. House is clean. Plants watered. Weather beautiful. I’ll walk the woods this morning and maybe again this afternoon. I can’t spend money right now. I need to save for other things.
It’s a strange time, right now, in my head. I’m empty of light. I read through other’s posts and I don’t care. I try to think of something to write and I come up dry. Empty. I wanted to be that person who could help guide others to the light. Right now, I think “Find your own way!” I’m in protective mode. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. I’m working out how I’m going to respond on that day when I hear the words. I’m trying to be ready in case God’s plan is to move them away. Slow, deep breathes…Slow deep breathes.
When I walk the summer woods, it’s hot and humid and still.
Animals move slowly. Birds sing a little less during the day. I breathe in the oxygen of the leaves and I walk, trying to think of nothing.
Then, in pops thoughts of a brother who died homeless, and an ex-husband who took his own life, and I feel guilt. I should have done more, tried harder, been better.
I’m alone, right now, maybe because I deserve to be!
I need to STOP taking the blame…or the credit for every other person’s journey. I am not that special! Remember? My brother and my ex-husband did as they did of their own accord. To think that I caused it is being pompous. Each of us has our own power to play out our life the way we want. I, right now, have the power to get on with mine! Find other interests, meet other people.
But, right now, I don’t want to. Right now I am choosing to be alone. I am choosing this! It is not a punishment. As I chose, yesterday, to sit and watch TV, I will choose today to maybe do the same.