grief – Begin Again

I Write, I Write. Everyday, I Write

Journal Entry - July 26, 2015
Part Nine of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

I write. I write. Every day, I write. Yesterday was everything many dream of. A quiet, peaceful day with nothing to do. And I did nothing. Oh well, that’s not exactly true. I cleaned my little home, then went for a walk in the woods. Someone had told me that mosquitos don’t like the smell of vanilla. I had to try that out. Come to find out, it’s true! It’s a little messy, spreading vanilla extract all over yourself and I walked through the woods smelling like a cookie but it really does repel mosquitos!

Then, back here to just sit and decide what next. I watched a lot of TV and then got sad thinking about my grandson. If they move away, this will be my life everyday. This quiet, peaceful existence…everyday…BORING!!!

I didn’t want to dwell on it. I’m trying to let God handle it. I went to bed early and slept until 5:30 am. It felt great. And now, laying ahead of me, is today. It’s Sunday. Nothing to do. House is clean. Plants watered. Weather beautiful. I’ll walk the woods this morning and maybe again this afternoon. I can’t spend money right now. I need to save for other things.

It’s a strange time, right now, in my head. I’m empty of light. I read through other’s posts and I don’t care. I try to think of something to write and I come up dry. Empty. I wanted to be that person who could help guide others to the light. Right now, I think “Find your own way!” I’m in protective mode. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. I’m working out how I’m going to respond on that day when I hear the words. I’m trying to be ready in case God’s plan is to move them away. Slow, deep breathes…Slow deep breathes.

When I walk the summer woods, it’s hot and humid and still.

Animals move slowly. Birds sing a little less during the day. I breathe in the oxygen of the leaves and I walk, trying to think of nothing.

Then, in pops thoughts of a brother who died homeless, and an ex-husband who took his own life, and I feel guilt. I should have done more, tried harder, been better.

I’m alone, right now, maybe because I deserve to be!

I need to STOP taking the blame…or the credit for every other person’s journey. I am not that special! Remember? My brother and my ex-husband did as they did of their own accord. To think that I caused it is being pompous. Each of us has our own power to play out our life the way we want. I, right now, have the power to get on with mine! Find other interests, meet other people.

But, right now, I don’t want to. Right now I am choosing to be alone. I am choosing this! It is not a punishment. As I chose, yesterday, to sit and watch TV, I will choose today to maybe do the same.

We’ll see.

Who Would You Call A “Trusted” Friend?

Journal Entry - July 23, 2015
Part Seven of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

What are the characteristics of a “trusted” friend?

Someone who doesn’t judge
Who drops everything to be there when you need them
Who feels comfortable sharing with you
Who gives advice, gently, but doesn’t criticize if you don’t follow it
Someone who can make you laugh through the tears

So, why am I writing this?

I’ve, once again, pulled out the Animal Spirit Guide Message Cards by Steven D. Farmer.

To use these cards, you simply have to shuffle them until you feel ready, then pull one card that seems to call out to you for some reason. All the while, you are thinking “Which animal spirit guide could help me right now?”

My card suggested this activity along with thinking about one or more people I would consider to be a “trusted” friend. So, I make this list and think “Who fits this description?” The answer is my oldest daughter; no one else. My sister comes close but, oh, she has so many problems of her own. And, then, I think “Why don’t I have more friends?”

In high school, I hung with a small group of girls, part of a pack. Not sure…no, I’m sure, none of them were real friends based on the list above.

Then, college – roommates…friends? Well, we got along, if that counts. I was in one’s wedding, another was in mine. But the waters parted when I got a divorce.

On to work friends – We shared so much and I thought some were the best friends of my life until I left teaching and became an administrator. Oh no! I drank the kool-aid!

Now, friends – Two people I see once a month for lunch. another who swears she’ll reschedule a time to meet after she had to abruptly cancel one…three months ago, and some people at the gym who are friends…at the gym. There’s a neighbor who watches my cat when I’m gone. Does that count?

Look at this list? I don’t really have any friends! There is no one, right now, who I can talk to about my life except my daughter. And, she is trying to cope with this change as well along with trying to stay excited about her upcoming wedding and attempting to piece together jobs that might add up to enough money to pay the bills.

In other words, everyone has issues, pain that they are dealing with. Life is not easy for anyone. So, going to someone and dumping your problems out to them seems like adding burden to their already weighted shoulders.

It reminds me of a time when I asked my brother if maybe he could show me how to hang wallpaper. It was the first time I had ever reached out to him or anyone, really, to ask for help. His answer – “No, I’m already helping too many people.”

It seems like, pretty much all of my life I’ve been able to count on one person. That person is me. I will figure this all out. So thanks, Spirit Guide Message Card, but today, I’ll pass on your guidance…unless you can help me find a real “friend”.

Maybe I Should Take Up Knitting

Journal Entry - July 22, 2015
Part Six of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change

When I was a teenager, my mom told me that I needed to take up a hobby; something like knitting, embroidery, or crocheting. She said that if I didn’t, I’d be bored. Well, I’ve made it for 64 years without any of that yarn but I may be nearing a point. I like having a project to work on and just like with a knitted sweater, I like having a way to give it to someone.

Since Sunday, and our return from the river camping trip, I’ve been working on a video using the photos and some live video inserts. It should have been an easy task but it was made complicated by pesky copyright violations and 10 second limits on personal video inserts but I learned a lot and last night I was able to load it to Facebook. As usual, I wish I had taken a moment longer and loaded it to Youtube, it would have looked better. But, I got excited and anxious to share. Oh well, it’s done and now I sit in wonder of what my next project will be. Maybe I should have taken up knitting. 🙂

I sure did like the diversion from sad thoughts of my daughter and grandson leaving. I spent yesterday, then, with my grandson. He played in the dirt in his pajamas because…why not? Then, he ran around the house in just a diaper having the time of his life. He just didn’t want to get dressed. The beauty of it was, there was no need for him to get dressed. Finally, when he realized that we couldn’t go to the construction site without clothes on, he willingly went upstairs. Then, fully clothed, we took off early to meet up with his mama for lunch. It took us an hour to go 15 minutes because we had to stop and watch an excavator dig up a sidewalk. Then, we had to remove all of the rocks from the sand under our favorite swing, and then… swing, of course. Finally, we had to check the progress on the buildings that are going up in the neighborhood. It was a perfect walk, a beautiful day, a great (peaceful) lunch.

I want my daughter and I to go back to that place, that time. Instead, our conversation is focused solely on the baby. What did he do today? Any new words? Was he a good boy? I ask nothing about the job interview. She shares nothing about the status. I can’t help her with her feelings. She can’t help me with mine. We’re just carrying the burden alone…and it makes me want to vomit. Part of me is saying, “Just go already. Just go!” The other part of me is holding on to my grandson so tightly.

Why can’t my son-in-law find the perfect job right here? Why do millions of other people find jobs to be close to their families. Instead, they are moving to be close to a brother he hasn’t seen in three years.

Their new baby…will I know that baby? Will that baby know me?

I think I need to learn how to crochet. Maybe those hobbies were meant to help you cope with grief and pain and loss. Maybe my mom was right. WHAT?!?

I Want To Ask, But I Don’t Want To Know

Journal Entry July 21, 2015  

Part four of how Morning Pages(my journal)helped 
me process through a change.

I want to ask but I don’t want to know or rather, I’m afraid to know the answer. Are they or are they not moving away? I don’t know. To me no news is good news?!? I feel like I’ve been through this before. Gut aches and tears, right there waiting for those words.

Instead, the text yesterday was “Our 12 week appointment went great. All is well. Heartbeat 155. J still think’s it’s a girl. I think it’s a boy.” And I’m happy for them and I want to distance myself from falling in love again.

My day with my grandson was wonderful, as usual. He grew over the weekend. Now he walks to the refrigerator and says “Milk”. We spent the day doing little things; going to the construction site, watching a excavator dig a big hole, then swinging at the swing park.

He sat in the swing so long that I thought he was ready to sleep. So, I encouraged him to stop (“10 more pushes and then we’re going to stop.”) so we could actually get home for his nap. The ride home woke him up enough that we had time for some lunch and the read several books before his nap.

While he napped, I worked on a video of this past weekend. I had uploaded a song hoping it would be allowed. The words were perfect.

Let The River Run

by Bob Seger

I’ve seen the top, I’ve seen the view

Lately, I find, not much is new.

And there’s always a hill out there beyond

Where I could be, where I belong.

Some always take, some have to win.

They leave you with scars, again and again

As they reach for the sky, only to fall,

They never change. I’ve seen them all.

Let the rivers run, like they always do

It’s not up to me. It’s not up to you.

When we reach the end, when our time is done

Let us all be still while the river runs.

Let the rivers run from the great divide.

I’ll stay with you . I’ll be by your side.

When we reach the end, when the words are done,

Let us listen well, while the rivers run.

It’s a beautiful , truthfully peaceful song and I couldn’t use it in the video. Copyright infringement. So it’s written here as the message that came to me as I was trying to enjoy the beauty of the weekend that was so hard.

When my daughter and her family move, I will go sit by that river. I will listen, well, to the messages that flow off the surface of the water.

But for today, I will go back and enjoy that little boy who is growing right before my eyes, and I will “let the river run, as they always do. It’s not up to me. It’s not up to you.