move on – Begin Again

Journal Entry - July 30, 2015
Post # 10 of how Morning Pages(my journal) 
helped me process through a change.

Went for a walk in the woods yesterday and took a couple pictures of a hawk. It waited for me to take each photo so of course I had to look up it’s message

“You’re caught up in too many details, so step back so you can get a greater perspective on the situation.
Stay alert and focused on the task before you, eliminating as many distractions as possible.
Spend some time observing and studying the situation and when it’s time for action make it quick and decisive.
Be aware of any personal psychic attacks and be prepared to defend yourself.
Stop trying to change others or the situation and work instead on accepting things as they are.”

Well, doesn’t that message just about say it all, especially the last one. I must accept things that happen. I must not try to change them. It’s not my place to step in front of someone’s life journey. I know that. I do. It just really hard, though, when their decision affects your life. I will try to stay calm and observant.

I love my place right now but I am working to find another. It’s time to reduce the rent and maybe live closer to one daughter. There’s something telling me “it’s time.” Time to not be living alone or at least quite so alone. I look outside, here, and my heart breaks a little just thinking about leaving and I think of all those other times I have moved. I wrap myself up in protective layers and just start packing – one closet at a time. Sorting, discarding, choosing. I take down my “home” – make it uncomfortable to stay in any longer; feeling so uncomfortable to stay that I can hardly wait to escape this place that no longer feels like “home”. Then, I quickly get to the next place so that I can make it feel good enough to spend that first night.

Ok, I’m not leaving yet, but it’s coming. I know it. So, for today, I breathe in the air, take photos of the flowers and the animals. enjoy the quiet meditative peace that has been my backyard and send up praise to the powers that be that I was given this gift just when I needed it most.

This place has provided me with companionship even though I lived alone.

This place guided me through a hard divorce and the sickness and death of my brother.

This place gave me the strength to walk into a gym and hire a trainer; a trainer who was the brightest star I could have had cheering me on as I worked to put physical strength above wasteful, harmful pastimes.

This place gave me a place to come to when I felt the pain of leaving a lifelong career.

This place allowed me to find another job; one the filled that initial void and made me feel necessary, still.

And, it was this place where I celebrated the announcement of my first grand baby.

It was this place, where I’ve been alone, but not alone. I’ve been surrounded by some kind of wonderful energy that has continuously shown me love, guidance, peace, and power!